Thursday, April 11, 2013

How to Feel at Peace from a Past Relationship

Hi Jordan, my story has many aspects to it to which I am trying to get my head around so bear with me here.

I am 9 months separated from my husband of 12 years.  I did the leaving because I knew he wouldn't, but we both knew we had come to the end of our time together.  My reasons were varied but in the end we just were not compatible (he's a Pisces).  I found out after I left that he had cheated on me the year before and I was devastated.  I had entertained notions that we could maybe make things work if we took some space but that went out the window for me after he told me this.  

I, on the other hand played my own part (of course, takes two!)in our eventual deterioration.  Eight years ago I fell for one of our friends and kept it to myself and lived in a state of denial until I left last year. 

Two months after I left I told my friend how I felt but was clear that I held no expectations of him, that I could not expect him to feel the same way but that I was unable to keep my feelings for him to myself any longer.  He took some space from me for a little while (he's a Libra) but 2 weeks later at a party he made a move and I responded.  I was in no way prepared to deal with this relationship and found myself dealing with such strong emotional attachment that he ended it 2 months later.  Our friendship suffered and he cut himself off from me. 

Then I found out that my husband was in a new relationship.  I had the unfortunate experience of trying to let go of two loves at once and I do not recommend it.  I have two young children and it was hard to imagine them playing happy family all together and I eventually fell to pieces.  In March I asked my husband for our house back  which he was still in, I could not make ends meet in the house I was renting and the children wanted to be in their own home.  We built the house together 13 years ago, off the grid, private water, no rent and no central heating just wood stoves.  And my wonderful garden.  Healing for me is going to entail coming back to what we had created, the home our children loved and embracing what we had so I could finally let it go.

But it's not so easy, the land is owned by friends and now they only want  my ex there and not me.  He unwillingly vouched for me and we all agreed that the kids and I would move back.  But only after we go to a mediation appointment and get it in writing.  This morning I had a therapy session and it brought a lot up for me and sadly I had a massive argument with my ex and he is now reconsidering his position on the house.  He holds the cards on this one and I am so angry and disappointed in myself for possibly sabotaging what is so important to me, to go home to my garden and heal. 

I need guidance in how to feel at peace with where I am right now.  I can't make him move any faster but I am desperate to find my peace.  We live close so I see his girlfriend coming and going from our house, my house.  In my bed.  In my kitchen using my stuff.  In my children's rooms that I painted and decorated, I just can't handle it.  He has no compassion for me and why would he.  I am at a point of personal transformation, I cannot hold onto the person I was, the anger, the resentment.  If I want my Libra back, and I do, I love him and I believe he's the one, I need to make some serious changes within.  Things are definitely changing for me but I am not reaching my full potential yet and instead have taken massive steps backward.  

-Peace Frog, Virgo

Good Day Peace Frog,

Much of the energy in your question seems to revolve around your own needs. Successful relationships are based on what you give, not what you give. Without going through are particulars, there are numerous signs that the relationships you have been of did not seem destined to succeed. As of today, I would strongly suggest you let the past go, and focus your energy on the future. For example, your husband’s girlfriend is not sleeping in your bed. It is not your bed any longer.

By initiating a divorce, you choose to create a new future. The “peace” you are seeking can from creating this new life for yourself, but you can’t do it by living in, and be emotionally connect to the past.

The primary energy of the Virgo Soul is “I Analyze.” This often leads to tons of “What if” questions that can distract you from defining and working towards new relationship goals. You can harness this energy to create the future you want to experience.

Think of your past relationships as a learning experience. There were some parts of them you enjoyed, keep those for creating your new life, and exclude the parts that were less favorable. The next step is to work at healing yourself so you can go into your next relationship with confidence and energy that contributes instead of energy that is needy or requires reassurance. What aspects of the current version of yourself would you improve?

If you were to create the perfect soul mate on a piece of paper, it is equally important to become the soul that your future soul mate is creating on his piece of paper right now. If you focus your energy on creating the future you wish to experience, you will get a better return on your investment in the long run.

I hope that helps you.

Love and light,


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